August Break: Day Thirteen

I once broke up with a guy over a corvette

and other Big Decisions.

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Sometimes I look back at the impetus for some big decisions in my life and it gives me cause to scratch my head.  What takes more effort, though, is to remember all that led up to the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back.

I was reminiscing about a situation long ago when I broke up with a guy because he bought a corvette.  As I was recalling this, I was wondering why I made such a crazy and reactive decision but to make sense of this I had to remind myself of all that led up to it.  In fact, my decision had nothing to do with the corvette itself (although I do still hate those wretched cars) but what happened is that this purchase of a corvette fed my deepest fear which was that he was not really willing to be involved with a single mother.  Let’s face it, a man who is getting seriously involved with woman who has a small child does not purchase a two-seater as his ONLY means of transportation.  So these fears that I had all throughout the relationship were magnified by this action and I couldn’t risk it.  I couldn’t risk being right about him so I had to get out and the corvette helped me make that decision.

Garrison InstituteRecently I made a very painful decision to end a friendship.  I have been struggling with this decision for a very long time as my heart was leading me away from this person primarily because I don’t trust her. Dishonesty is a really big deal but there was always an excuse or justification.  Lately she had developed this way of making me feel like I’m not enough, that I could never be enough.  It took me so long to get there ~ I kept second-guessing my own judgement because her actions and the words she used were subtle, nothing I could firmly put my finger on.  And of course it wasn’t all bad, she has a lot of redeeming qualities and we have been friends for many years.  But then one day she bought a corvette …

No, no she didn’t buy a corvette but she did feed one of my greatest fears …. REJECTION and she brought me all the way back to a REALLY painful period of my life … HIGH SCHOOL!  Ugh!

Garrison InstituteRemember the mean girls in high school?  The ones who seemed to almost take pleasure in putting you in really horrible situations and making you feel like you didn’t belong, you weren’t liked and you certainly CERTAINLY WERE NOT ENOUGH.  Well that’s what happened.  She invited me to an event and then made me feel so unwanted, so excluded, so small … that it was excruciating.

First I felt paralyzed by the fear and then I felt horrified followed by sadness and then ANGER.

I’m still quite angry.  Mostly angry at myself for allowing myself to be put into this situation.

So in this instance, the impetus for ending a friendship may be viewed as a single incidence of rejection, being in a situation where I felt left out …  It’s an impulsive, immature and even reckless decision, isn’t it?  That’s what I fear “people” will think.  But just like the corvette, this incident just pushed me into making a decision that I probably should have made long ago.

I am really blessed, I have some truly amazing people in my life.  In addition, recently I have had the pleasure of meeting some genuine, truthful, soulful women who not only realize that they are enough but want me to know that I am enough.  I have decided that this is WHO and WHAT I want in my life.  So I’m going to brave and live this very difficult, very painful decision that I have made.

I see that I’ve made some decisions and also have NOT made some decisions based on my fear of what others might think or how it will make me look.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I’m learning to trust this process … trust myself and make decisions based on what I want for my life, what I feel is best for my life.  Some days have been very difficult.  There has been a lot of grit.  I believe I’m on the right path though and I’m going to keep going.

Garrison Institute

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.”   – Golda Meir

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5 thoughts on “August Break: Day Thirteen

  1. Yes, Patty! So proud of you for making those tough choices for all the right reasons. I love following your journey of reflection and self discovery from the sidelines, but one day, I will follow your lead. Thank you for your truth and your trust. xoxo

  2. Can I borrow you sometime-I really need your persona inside my persona. I would love to remember living like this-I want that sense of freedom but truth be told, I wrestle with all kinds of thoughts of why I’m arrested by what others think. Is it ok to tell someone how bossy they are or perhaps how incompassionate they can be or do i just walk away. i tend to walk away and try to stay astray but it’s not working

    • Hi Christine,

      I lingered over your phrasing of being “arrested by what others think” because it’s so painfully accurate. It’s just so natural to want to fit in and be like others so that they will accept me. I’m learning that while it’s difficult, it is also very BRAVE to allow myself to be ME … just ME and love then love and accept myself exactly the way I am … flaws and all.

      The dilemma you are experiencing about telling someone about how they are hurting you or walking away is a familiar one to me and I think the answer lies in the importance of the relationship. If a relationship is not important to me, I just walk away but if the relationship is important then I think it’s worthwhile to let them know how I feel about their actions or behaviors. The tricky part is handling it in a manner that is not confrontational nor lashing out in pain. It’s easy to do that without even realizing it, when I’m hurting. The next step for me is to figure out what my motive is. I always try to think about what I want the end result to be. If I just want to make them aware of what a hurtful person I think they’ve been then I need to stop … no good can come of that. If I think they are unaware of how their actions / reactions etc are impacting me and I think that making them aware could help us move our friendship in a positive direction then that’s a good place to start. The REALLY REALLY difficult thing is that sometimes we have people in our lives that are just not good for us, they don’t make us feel good about ourselves and/or we’re not connecting at this juncture of our lives. Sometimes we just have to let go of that friendship but it’s never easy and it’s always painful. I wish you light and peace as you make this difficult decision.

      Thank you so much for reading my blog and taking time to give me feedback. I love to know that my writing has touched someone. You’ve inspired me to start writing again and I’m going to do a new post tonight just because of you.

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